Four Ways to Damage Your Relationship
Dr. Dan Quinn of Bridge Therapy Center discusses and explain the Four Ways to Damage Your Relationship
One of the things I say to couples is look up John Gottman on the internet. We have links on our website. John Gottman has revolutionized couples therapy by studying thousands of couples. Basically, we know when couples destroy their relationships, we know how they do it.
They do it by what he called The Four Horsemen: Criticizing the other person; Getting defensive with the other person (which means basically criticizing back) – “you always do that” “no I don’t, you always do that” Stonewalling which is just staring at you instead of reacting/responding. And then the worst thing of all is Scorning the person. It’s like the exasperation or rolling of the eyes, like you disgusted with your partner. I mean actually just saying it out loud – you’re disgusted? By your partner? Naturally that’s not going to do great things for your relationship. It is the single expressed emotion that most predicts divorce in couples. If you find yourself doing that. Stop. Do not role your eyes. Don’t make the exasperated (huff). You’re upset, you’re sick of it. But doing that just makes things worse. So now it’s our job to figure out, okay, what makes things better? And we know a lot about that too.