If You’re Not Doing This, You’re Having The Wrong Conversation
Dr. Dan Quinn of Bridge Therapy Center explains why you might be having the Wrong Conversation in your relationship.
So what you want to do is create an agreement with each other that when we’re starting to get escalated, smoke alarm goes off, we we know “wait a minute, I want to talk to you about this but I can’t think very clearly right now. So I’m going to take half an hour and walk around the block and come back.” Because in fact if you can actually stop having – it’s usually the same argument over and over inl different ways. If you can stop having the same argument and talk about this this things that you’re talking about from of state of relative relaxation, remembering you care about this other person, there is whera a relationship is transformed. There is were suddenly problems that have been an issue and marriages for decades actually change. Because you can finally have a thoughtful, connected, caring — not like you don’t get angry, even, right? But you don’t act out of that, it doesn’t spread like wildfire. You’re able to sit there and say “okay, wait a minute, okay I see what you’re saying” – and actually have a conversation that you’ve been avoiding for years. And the way you’ve been avoiding the conversation that needs to happen is, you’ve been having the same fight over and over again instead.
You really do have to fight for the relationship because you’ve both got bad habits and ways of talking to each other that are destructive. So you need to actually remember you want this marriage or this partnership to work. And you’re focused on that not who is going to take out the garbage or how often you have sex or who’s making more money and who’s spending more money. Those are important topics, they’re not the point. The point is, are we in this together? Do we want to figure out a way that we both get what we need in this situation? If you’re not looking for that, you’re having a wrong conversation.